Assertiveness

What it means to be assertive:

Being assertive means to deliver your message in a direct, confident and respectful way. 

Sometimes we hesitate in expressing our thoughts or feelings. This could be due to the following reasons:

-  Our personality

-  Fear of consequences 

-  Uncertainty about whether it is appropriate to share or not

However, when we are unable to state our opinion, to express our feelings or to ask for what we want, then it can become a cause for stress. Not being assertive can affect our well-being. The opposite of assertive communication is passive communication. Passive communicators have a very hard time in speaking their mind.

When you are assertive, you demonstrate that you are aware of your rights as well as the rights of others. You show respect for yourself by standing up for your thoughts. Assertive people express themselves appropriately. They say no when necessary and are honest in stating their opinion. 

Principles of Assertiveness:

1. Assertiveness is not Aggressiveness:

To make your voice heard, you do not have to be loud, reactive and exaggerated. In fact, assertive communicators are often calm, composed and respectful. They think before they speak, do not blame or attack and are aware of their emotions when they are communicating.

2. Assertiveness is a constructive communication style:

Assertion is a form of communication. Some other forms of communication we frequently see are:

-  Aggression: threatening, loud behaviour

-  Passive aggression: seemingly silent, but subtly aggressive through the use of sarcasm, criticism, causing intentional suffering without taking responsibility

-  Non-assertion: passive, frequently apologetic, not able to voice concerns

The above forms of communication are not constructive. They are non-helpful and can sometimes even be damaging for relationships. Assertion however, is a way in which constructive discussions can be held and messages can be shared and received effectively.

3. Assertiveness is a non-violent process:

Non-violent communication is a process in which we communicate with mutual respect, empathy and compassion. It is characterized by four components: observe, acknowledge feelings, express needs, make requests. 

Assertive people observe without judgement. They acknowledge and state their feelings. They are honest in expressing what they need based on those feelings. They make appropriate requests based on those feelings.

4. Assertive talk is positive:

Assertive language often focuses on what can be done instead of just complaining about the problem. It uses solution-focused language. When we talk assertively we make sure we are contributing towards something positive. We talk reasonably. We are not irrational. Even if we disagree, we do so in a positive, agreeable manner. The choice of words is very important when being assertive.

5. Assertiveness aims for a ‘win-win’:

Even though assertive communication is to ensure that we state our needs, thoughts and ideas honestly, its goal is to ensure that everyone benefits. Assertion does not mean standing up for yourself at the cost of others. Being assertive does not mean to ‘win’ and make sure the other individual ‘loses’. Being assertive means standing up for the rights of everyone, taking a stand against unfairness and making sure that everyone benefits.  

Benefits of Assertiveness:

1.  Increase in confidence and self-esteem: By practising assertive talk, you are able to have your voice heard, which increases your confidence and gives a positive boost to the way you feel about yourself.

2.  Improved relationships: Assertive talk ensures that you are honest and clear in what you want to say. This increases trust and strengthens relationships.

3.  Enhanced empathy: The assertive style of communication seeks an empathic response between both parties. This increases mutual respect and understanding.

4.  Reduction of stress: People can be stressed because they do not express their needs and feelings. Being assertive ensures that you are honest, direct and clear about your needs and feelings. 

5.  Improved well-being: Some people have a hard time saying ‘no’ and therefore keep taking on many responsibilities. This affects their physical and mental health. When you learn to be assertive, you are able to say ‘no’ to additional responsibilities when you know that your body or mind needs a break.

6.  Advocacy for fair usage of rights and responsibilities: By being assertive, we can stand up for what is right, whether for ourselves or for others. Assertive communicators do not adopt a silent onlooker approach but state their thoughts and opinions in support of their own and others’ rights and responsibilities.

7.  Reduced anxiety: Unexpressed thoughts, feelings and needs can sometimes stay bottled up inside of us. This could develop anxiety about a particular situation. When we learn to follow the process of how to express ourselves assertively, we can prevent this anxiety from developing and from increasing.

8.  Increased efficiency and productivity: When you are assertive, you are able to clarify and reach solutions much faster. This prevents wastage of time and energy for everyone involved. 

Verbal skills for being assertive

1. Use positive language: 

When being assertive, it is important not to criticize or to use negative language for a person or a situation. Assertive speaking is about using constructive words instead of destructive.

Example:

Using negative words does not solve anything. For example, “This plan is rubbish. It is not going to work. Is this really the best you can come up with?” Instead, use positive language to be assertive:

“I think we need to make changes to this plan. We can start working on it today and then review it in two days. If you need any resources or assistance, let me know.”

2.  Use “I” statements:

When we use “I” statements, we take responsibility for how we are feeling or what we are thinking. “You” statements can sometimes be judgmental or give the impression that we have negative assumptions about the other person.

Example:

If we say to someone, “You are wrong” or “You are so selfish”, it immediately sounds like an attack, which the other person might want to defend. This could lead to further tension.

Instead, use “I” language. You could say, “I disagree. Let me give you the reasons why.” Or, “I feel that this plan can be improved. How about…”

3.  Use logic in your sentences:

Assertive speakers have to think logically. They have to ensure that they are not irrational in what they are saying or requesting. They have to think before they speak. Assertive communication requires arguments to be well planned. Some people might rehearse what they want to say, so that it makes sense.

Example:

You will not be able to convince your audience about your argument if you are irrational, “I have not been able to find any time for myself in a million years. I need to just stop taking care of everyone in the family, including the kids, and just lie on the couch for a few days, doing nothing.”

Instead, something logical to say might sound like, “It has been so busy for me lately. Perhaps I should take a break tonight. I will put the kids to bed early and watch a movie.”

4.  Be clear 

Get to the point. Talk about what you what you want to talk about. Do not beat about the bush. If you want to refuse something, be clear about it, instead of using vague words. Vague, unclear language could lead people to misunderstand your message.

Example:

If someone has asked for help, but you do not have the time, do not say, “I guess I could help you when I have time.” It is not clear whether you will help or will not help. Instead, you could say, “I would have loved to help, but I don’t have the time these days. Sorry.” 

5.  Be concise

Stay to the point. Do not weave in stories and examples from the past or from different contexts. Sum up your ideas before you speak so that you can stay to the point. If the other person tries to digress or go off-track, bring them back to the point as well by using assertive language. 

Example:

If you are having a discussion about a kitchen renovation in your home, do not start to explain real estate prices all over the world. 

6.  Be accurate

Do not make up information just to prove your point. Stick to the facts. Only say what is true and what you know for sure. Do not assert yourself for a point that you are not even certain about. Do some fact-finding if necessary before starting the discussion.

Example:

If you are opposing someone’s idea, do not say “No one likes this idea” if you have not checked with every single person. Even if you have checked, make sure you back it up with reasons based on the data you have collected.

7.  Place emphasis on the appropriate words

When you are making an assertive statement, be careful to choose the right words to place emphasis on. Emphasize the task-oriented language and not the emotional aspect of the language, if any.  

Example:

If you are saying the following statement, “I would really like to discuss this phone bill with you”, then place emphasis on the words “discuss” and “phone bill”. Do not keep emphasizing the word “I” or “really”. 

8.  Do not speak on behalf of others

Speak for yourself. Take responsibility for what you are saying or claiming. Do not drag other people’s names into the conversation in order to sway the decision according to what you want. Respect other people’s confidentiality and their rights.

Example

It would be irresponsible and unethical to say, “I don’t think the proposed solution will work, because Aisha might not be okay with this suggestion. I don’t think we should go ahead.” Even if you think Aisha might not be agree, let her have a chance to decide. Do not speak for her. If you have been asked to check with her, then discuss the situation with her and frame your response accordingly, “I checked with Aisha. She noticed the following pros and cons of the proposed solution.”

Non-verbal skills for being assertive

1.  Watch your voice: Make sure you are not loud or too soft. Assertive communicators do not sound intimidating. Neither do they sound timid. Their voice demonstrates that they are confident about what they are talking about.

2.  Watch your speed: Do not be too fast or too slow. Being too fast can cause the risk of the other person not understanding you or being able to process the information you are giving. Being too slow might make the other person impatient and disinterested. 

3.  Remain steady: Keep your body steady. Do not sway on your feet. Do not be jittery. Do not rock your body back and forth. Do not keep darting glances here and there. Remaining steady demonstrates that you are sincere and that you are prepared.

4.  Carry yourself with confidence: Mind your posture. Do not slouch or drag your feet. Sit up straight and be alert. Face the listener. Choose a position that avoids any spatial obstacles or distractions between you and the other person.

5.  Match your expressions with your words: Be sincere about what you are saying. The expressions on your face and in your voice will convey most your message, even if you words are conveying something else. If you are saying, “I think this is a great plan”, make sure the expressions in your voice and on your face show that it is a great plan. 

6.  Watch your hand-language: Our hands often take part in our communication. Our hand gestures can help to strengthen what we are saying. Be careful not to point with your fingers or use over-exaggerated movements with your hands. There should be a balance in what you are doing with your hands. Some people might move their hands around so much that the listener’s attention is distracted, and you might sound too animated or agitated.

7.  Watch the filler sounds: Try to have as few ‘ums’ and ‘ahs’ in your speech as possible. Sometimes they can make your message sound messy or difficult to comprehend. It gives the impression that your thoughts are not composed well or that you are nervous.

8.  Maintain the right distance: Do not be so close to the listener that it seems that you are hovering over them or intimidating them. At the same time, do not be so far across from them that it is hard to hear you or that it seems like you do not have anything important to discuss. In order to assert yourself, you have to ensure you are maintaining a comfortable, respectful distance.

9.  Stay relaxed: Assertive mannerism is calm. Avoid harshness in your body, voice and words. Do not become agitated about the topic. Stay in control. Do not lose your cool and do not let emotions take over your thoughts and logic.

10. Be respectful: Maintain respect throughout the interaction. Your body language, your verbal language as well as your gestures should demonstrate that you respect the other person.

Tips for communicating assertively:

1.  Start by saying something that shows an understanding about the other person’s situations or feelings. For example, “I know you are very busy.”

2.  If you have difficulty saying ‘no’, practice positive self-talk to make yourself realize that you are in charge of your own life. If you cannot take any more responsibility because you are overloaded, or you are being asked to do something unreasonable, you have to convince yourself to refuse.

3.  Do not feel obligated to apologize, make excuses or explain if you are assertively saying ‘no’ to something. 

4.  If you are unsure of how to say ‘no’, be direct and say, “Actually, I am going to have to say ‘no’ this time.” If required to explain, keep the explanation very brief. It is acceptable.

5.  Rehearse assertiveness. Prepare and practice your sentences, tone and body language in advance. Ask a friend or family member to hear you out, or simply say the words aloud to yourself. You will be surprised to hear how you sound.

6.  Take responsibility for your points of view. It is always good to start with, “Based on what I know so far..” or “My personal opinion is..”

7.  If you have to repeat yourself, do so calmly. Do not become agitated or raise your voice. Stay calmly focussed.

8.  Acknowledge what the other person is saying. Treat the conversation as two-way communication. Be respectful about what the other person is saying. If they have made a good point, acknowledge it respectfully. For example, “That’s a very good point.”

9.  Be honest. If the other person has pointed out your mistake, be honest. You could say, “I did forget to send that email. I am sorry.” Don’t make excuses, just accept graciously.

10. When unsure about what to say next, it is assertive to say, “Let me get back to you on that.” This gives you time to think rationally and come up with a well-planned assertive response.