Parenting

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The task of bringing up a child involves many aspects. Parenting helps to facilitate the development of a child physically, intellectually, socially and emotionally. With the help of parenting, children are able to develop into independent, autonomous, self-functioning individuals. They acquire strategies to navigate effectively through the various dimensions of their present and future lives.

There is no single correct way to be an effective parent. Different things might work for different people. From time to time, it is okay to question our skills as a parent. We can always change a few things in order to be more effective. 

Purpose of parenting:

-  To facilitate the development of new skills, abilities and talents in children

-  To extend children’s learning

-  To provide children with meaningful experiences

-  To ensure and promote children’s well-being

-  To equip children with competencies required to be successful in the world 

What Effective Parents Do:

Physical Safety: 

Parents take care of basic physical needs of children including food, shelter and clothing.

Emotional Safety and Belonging:

Parenting creates a safe environment for children to take risks, to share their thoughts, to feel accepted and loved.

Intellectual Development:

Effective parents provide a stimulating environment for the intellectual development of a child, helping him or her develop his thinking skills.

Social Development:

Parents teach children how to make sense of themselves and the world around them, how to interact and how to develop intrapersonal and interpersonal relationships. 

Impart Values:

Good parenting skills will instil values in children and teach them to be empathetic, kind, caring, responsible, honest and respectful human beings. 

Gradual release of responsibility:

Effective parenting skills teach children to gradually become independent, so that they can self-regulate and function independently as individuals, without needing parents. 

Parenting style is a combination of the skills, rules and techniques you use as a parent. Each parent’s style of parenting is dependent on many factors including the cultural and social environment where they live or have been raised, their personality types, the values and beliefs they hold to be true, stress factors around them and their own psychological state, including emotional stability, resilience and mental well-being.

In general, parenting styles can be classified into three different categories:

1.  Authoritarian Parenting:

This is a rigid approach of parenting. Parents take control of every situation and use their power over the child. The child’s feelings are not considered. In fact, children are not allowed to express themselves as it is considered that the parent is the one with the knowledge and the child knows nothing. 

Here are some features of authoritarian parenting:

o  Child must conform to the parent’s rules

o  Punishments are common

o  There are no discussions, compromises or forgiveness

o  The parent is the only ‘authority’ figure

o  Child is degraded

o  Child’s feelings and points of view are ignored

o  Obedience is expected from the child as a form of love

Positive outcomes:

There are no positive outcomes in the long-run with this type of parenting, even though it might initially appear that the child is behaving well in response to this style of parenting.

Negative outcomes:

o  Child starts to have low self-esteem

o  Child becomes rebellious and resentful

o  Child does not respect the parent, even though s/he does not say anything about it

o  Child becomes angry, unhappy and emotionally unstable

o  Child feels insecure and unsafe

o  Child is unable to think independently and take decisions

2.  Permissive Parenting:

This is a very loose, lenient approach to parenting, and is at the other extreme end from authoritarian parenting. Children take control of every situation in this case. There is no leadership or modelling provided by the parents. There are very low demands placed on the children.

Here are some features of permissive parenting:

o  There is no structure or schedule

o  There are no clear rules

o  Consequences are rarely enforced

o  Parents are not consistent

o  Parents are extremely loving

o  Children are not given responsibilities

o  Children’s activities and behaviours are often not tracked

o  Parents allow children to do as they please

Positive outcomes:

There are hardly any positive outcomes of permissive parenting style. Some short-term benefits might be:

o  Children might see permissive parenting as a sign that their parents love them. 

o  There will be less parent-child conflict because parents are always doing as the child says.

o  Children might have a high self-esteem and think highly of themselves

Negative outcomes:

o  Child becomes impulsive and lacks self-control

o  Child becomes demanding as spoilt as parents meet and serve all demands

o  Child is often irresponsible, unregulated and misbehaved

o  Child is selfish and insensitive to the needs of others

o  Child often makes own decisions and does not accept the input of others

o  Child does not respect any authority and does not value their thoughts or ideas

3.  Democratic Parenting:

Democratic parenting is a type of balanced parenting, which uses a combination of strictness and softness. It is a child-centric approach. Even though parents set high expectations, they are reasonable and supportive of their children. Parents act as role models for their children and help them become successful. This type of parent is sometimes referred to as ‘authoritative’ parenting. It is different from ‘authoritarian’ parenting because unlike authoritarian parents, authoritative parents use their authority effectively, and do not misuse their authority to create power differentials. 

Here are some features of democratic parenting:

o  Rules are clear

o  Children are made aware about what they can negotiate and what they cannot

o  Expectations are reasonable

o  Parents let the child figure out some of the problems on his/her own

o  Parents are involved in different aspects of the child’s life

o  Discussions and reasoning are encouraged

o  Parents say ‘no’ to unreasonable demands by children

o  Child is made to see logical consequences of actions

o  Parents are consistent in their behaviour

o  Parents listen to children patiently and empathetically

o  Responsibilities are given to children and they are expected to fulfill them

Positive outcomes:

o  Children develop many skills to regulate their behaviour and actions

o  Children perform well in many areas of life

o  Children learn to become independent thinkers and problem solvers

o  Children acquire life skills modelled and taught by their parents (for example, how to be socially responsible, cooperative and kind)

o  Children grow up in stability and become emotionally capable individuals

o  Children are less likely to engage in unsafe, unregulated, delinquent behaviours

o  Children see their parents as their allies and support

Negative outcomes:

In general, there are seen to be no negative outcomes of democratic parenting. It is an effective method of parenting.

 Just a few things to be careful about when using the democratic style”

o  Parent needs to be prepared to answer questions the child has

o  If one parent follows this style and the other doesn’t, sometimes it can lead to the child being confused

o  Since the parent and child are very involved with each other in this type of parenting, the parent has to make sure to be consistently available

o  Parents need to be effective role models in this style

o  Parents sometimes have to learn and change their style subtly in response to the needs of the child or the situation

Positive Parenting is an approach in which the positive aspects of behaviour are the main focus. It helps to create an atmosphere in which the child takes responsibility for his or her own actions in a positive and confident manner. 

Characteristics of Positive Parenting:

1.  Mutual trust and respect between child and parent is essential. Open lines of effective communication are the basis for establishing the relationship.

2.  Clear expectations are emphasized. Parents and children are both clear on what is expected. Nothing is vague, confusing or unrealistic.

3.  Collaboration is necessary. Goal-setting is done in collaboration between parent and child. Both the perspectives are valued and considered. Decisions and goals are not just imposed by the parent or the child.

4.  Setting positive examples is important. There is no preaching in positive parenting. Children should have positive behaviours to see and follow. Parents can take the lead and engage children in cooperative learning. 

5.  Active listening is an important feature. Listening skills are part of effective communication. Positive parenting techniques work only when we listen and communicate effectively.

6.  Being proactive is vital. Proactive parents are able to think ahead to foresee what the potential problems might be. They plan accordingly instead of having sudden, unplanned reactions to situations. 

7.  Follow-up and Problem Solving may sometimes be required. Positive parenting is an active process. It requires regular discussions and follow-up to see what is working well, and using problem-solving effectively to make improvements.

8.  Positive reinforcement is used. When positive behaviours are demonstrated, they are rewarded. This helps to strengthen the positive behaviour and the child is likely to repeat it again.

9.  Consequences are given as appropriate. When inappropriate behaviours are demonstrated, they are not ignored. They are pointed out positively, their impact is discussed and appropriate consequences are given.

There are some beliefs that we hold as individuals and as a society, which can affect our thoughts and opinions about parenting. Some of these beliefs require change. 

Parenting Myth #1: Parenting skills come to you instinctively when you become a parent

Fact: This is not true. Like other skills, parenting skills are learned and developed. By gaining knowledge and experience, we can become better at parenting. When you hold your child for the first time, you might experience certain emotions, but parenting is not an emotion, it is a skill.

Parenting Myth #2: Fathers’ role is secondary in raising young children.

Fact: This is not true. Both parents have a critical role to play. While the mother is often seen as the primary caregiver, fathers have a role to play in establishing a bond with the child starting at an early age, and in supporting the well-being of the child as well as the mother.

Parenting Myth #3: If you are not having fun while parenting, then you are doing something wrong

Fact: This is not true. Parenting can sometimes be the complete opposite of ‘fun’. It can be a lot of hard work, it can be frustrating and can also lead to emotions like anger and sadness. However, it can also be fun at times. There is nothing wrong in not having fun all the time while parenting. It is okay to experience different feelings and have different types of tasks to do as a parent.

Parenting Myth #4: The parent is the only one responsible for how the child acts or behaves

Fact: This is not true. We have to be mindful of the several internal and external factors present in the lives of children all the time. Some of these factors are present in the physical environment, which the child attends (e.g., school, daycare etc.), some are in the social environment (e.g., the individuals other than parents the child interacts with on a regular basis), and some are internal factors (e.g., medical needs the child may have). If something is not right about how a child is acting or behaving, it is not necessarily just the parent’s fault

Parenting Myth #5: Becoming a parent the first time is hard; when you become a parent the second or third time, it becomes easy.

Fact: This is not true. All children are unique. Your second, third or subsequent children might be completely different in needs, temperament and personality than your first-born. While some things might remain the same, you might have to learn new skills to deal with new situations that you might not have experienced before.

Parenting Myth #6: Your kids say they love you all the time, so you must be a good parent

Fact: This is not true. Sometimes children might not like you at all if you are doing a good job as a parent. Children don’t have to like you or love you all the time. Your child does not have to approve of your parenting methods. When you set boundaries, make rules and enforce them strictly, your children might not love you, but as a parent you have to ensure that you are doing those things for the wellbeing of your child and yourself.

Parenting Myth #7: Good parents never say no to their kids

Fact: This is not true. Good parents clearly know when to say ‘no’ to their kids, and they say it often. Parenting is not about getting on the good side of the child, but about making the right decisions that are good for the child’s development.

Parenting Myth #8: Good parents are always strict

Fact: This is not true. Just like good parents are not always doing what children ask, similarly good parents are also not always strict. They know when to loosen up and give their children a chance to bond with them. They are firm but soft. They understand that life is not a military drill and they model the balance between having fun and being serious.

Parenting Myth #9: Parents should never express their own needs

Fact: This is not true. Parents are human beings. Even though they are caring for the needs of their children constantly, they must acknowledge and respect their own personal needs. If they are stressed, exhausted or emotional, they have a right to express their feelings and do something to relax themselves. This way they also model self-care—a very important life skill for physical and mental wellbeing—in front of their children. 

Parenting Myth #10: Parents need to protect their child 24/7 in every situation

Fact: This is not true. We definitely have to be cautious, but not over-protective. In fact, sometimes, overprotection can cause problems. It can hinder the child’s independent development and thinking. It can lead to the child being fearful and unable to make his or her own decisions, even after growing up. Children should be allowed to make little mistakes. They should be allowed to experience things and share their perspectives. Talking about protection from time to time is important, but it is definitely not a 24/7 task.

Effective Parents Do This:

1.  Be Consistent:

Follow the rules you create and the limits you set. Do not keep changing the rules all the time. Be consistent in routine and structure. Stability is always good for the child as well as parent.  

2.  Build the child’s self-esteem:

Boost your children’s confidence. Appreciate them for who they are. Give them a way to show their talents and abilities. Applaud and praise them personally and even in front of others. Create opportunities for them to shine and feel good. 

3.  Use effective communication:

The way we communicate with children is very important. As a parent, it is often natural to get in the mode of instructing and teaching. Effective parents however, engage in two-way communication. They pay attention to both verbal and non-verbal communication. They use communication to strengthen their bond, to clarify misunderstandings and to set the tone for effective interactions with children.

4.  Show love through your presence, not your presents:

Providing materialistic things are sometimes an easy way for parents to think that they are making their children happy. This is a myth. Children would benefit more by spending quality time with you. Effective parents try to be an active presence in the life of their children. 

5.  Be gentle but firm:

You can be loving and gentle, but it does not have to be at the cost of discipline. Love does not mean to give in to the demands of the child all the time. Be firm in your expectations and consequences, without getting angry or harsh. 

6.  Show active involvement in child’s life outside of the home: 

Attend school meetings regularly, inquire frequently about how the child’s school life is, know your child’s friends and take a genuine interest in the life of your child. 

7.  Build trust:

Build a relationship with the children so that they see you as an individual they can trust. Be friendly and supportive. Even if you don’t agree with all their decisions, express your love and confidence in your children.

8.  Listen thoughtfully and patiently:

Sometimes it is important to stop talking and teaching, and just listen instead. Give the child your undivided attention when he or she is sharing something. Respect what the child has to say.

9.  Acknowledge and validate the child’s thoughts and feelings:

Take the child seriously. Ask how they are feeling and acknowledge their response. Tell them it is okay to feel different emotions, instead of telling them to always feel a certain way. Allow children to feel safe to express their thinking and feelings in front of you.

10. Take charge of own emotions:

Do not let a parenting situation sway you with emotions like anger or panic. Sometimes it might be difficult to not get angry, but it is important to stay in control. Once you let the anger escalate, the situation often becomes out of control and cannot be resolved effectively. If you are emotionally charged, allow yourself to cool down before having a conversation with the child.

Effective Parents Avoid This:

1.  Avoid excessive lecturing: 

Children lose interest in what you have to say, if you are constantly giving instructions and advice. 

2.  Avoid constant criticizing:

If all you have to say is something negative, then it is obvious that your child will not have positive bond with you.

3.  Avoid threatening:

Sometimes it might be tempting to use threats like “do this or else…”. More likely than not, you are not going to carry out that threat. The child often realizes this and stops taking you seriously.  

4.  Avoid engaging in power struggles:

Do not turn conversations into power struggles where the ego of one side has to win. When you sense that power issues are starting to surface — whether it is from your side or your child’s — deflect the conversation.

5.  Avoid excessive punishment:

Excessive punishment makes the child disrespectful of parents, their rules and consequences. If you are having to give out consequences all the time, then perhaps it is time to reassess your rules and expectations. Perhaps you need to take the time to understand your child’s strengths and needs more thoroughly. 

6.  Avoid being over-protective:

It is your duty as a parent to protect the child, but do not make ‘protection’ your full-time task. Let the child develop. Give him or her enough room to breathe, grow, make mistakes and learn from them.

7.  Avoid doing everything for the child:

Do not make the child dependent on you for everything. It might be a good feeling for you that you are taking care of your child’s needs, but if there is something that a child can do independently, do not insist on doing it for them. Challenge them to become self-reliant.

8.  Avoid pretending or lying:

Be honest and transparent. It is okay for the child to see imperfections in you and your life. You are human. Do not pretend to be someone you are not. Do not lie to the child about things. Sometimes, you might need to be careful about the words you choose, but do not be fake.

9.  Avoid unreasonable expectations:

Do not expect your child to be ideal in every way. Set realistic expectations, where there is room for making mistakes and having fun. 

10. Avoid putting off or ignoring problems:

Take action as soon as possible, when you see a situation arising. Effective parents do not slide a problematic situation under the rug. Problems have to be dealt with proactively and in a timely manner.